"Marriage. Why do we do it Everybody knows the stats. One in two marriages end up in broken dishes and a trip to Tijuana. Is it loneliness Partly. Is it teamwork Definitely. Things just kind of go easier when there's two of you. One of you can wait in line at the movie theater while the other guy parks the car. Get better seats that way. Better room rate when it's a double. Are you ready to file jointly...Above you is the sun and sky. Below you, the ground. Like the sun, your love should be constant, like the ground, solid." Jed Seidel
As promised in the preface of this series, the objective of this post will be about formulating an Islamic definition for marriage and defining its basic elements. I'll be asking some questions and will draw a conclusion out of the answers that should lead to a clear definition.
What is marriage?Marriage is normally (apart from gays) a personal relationship that can be formed by a man and a woman (or sometimes multiple women) through a covenant commitment to be together for a lifetime and thereby the man becomes a husband for the the woman and the woman becomes a wife for the man, also in case the couple procreate offspring, the man becomes a father for the children and the woman becomes a mother for them.
Where does the complexity of marriage lie in?Rights and responsibilities. Hence, expectations and frustrations.
The man by becoming a husband obtains rights that have to be fulfilled by the wife and also bears responsibilities towards the wife, likewise for the woman, by becoming a wife she obtains rights that have to be fulfilled by the husband and also bears responsibilities towards the husband. Furthermore, both the man and the woman as parents bear responsibilities towards their children until certain age. The complexity of marriage lies in defining and understanding those rights and responsibilities legally, culturally, and religiously.
Who can form an Islamic marriage?An eligible adult Muslim man with an eligible adult Muslim, or Christian, or Jewish woman with the condition of her guardian acceptance (only if she's dependent according to some sects).
What are the basic elements of an Islamic marriage?- Bridegroom: An eligible adult Muslim man (i.e. sane, can't marry more than four women, can't marry his sister, etc ..)
- Bride: An eligible adult Muslim, or Christian, or Jewish woman (i.e. sane, must be single, not a recent divorcee or widow -- not in Ida, etc ..)
- Bride guardian: The acceptance of the woman guardian (only if she's dependent according to some sects).
- Consent: Mutual consent (genuine acceptance, no imposition on either party) between the bride and the bridegroom through an offer and acceptance.
- Witnesses/Announcement: The presence of two witnesses is compulsory/Wajib for Sunni while is recommended/Mustahab for Shi'ite.
- Dowry: It's highly recommended that the bridegroom gives the bride a Dowry/Mahr/Gift, it only becomes compulsory if it was a condition upon the bridegroom.
What are the responsibilities of the husband towards the wife in Islam?- He is obligated to cover the basic living expenses for his wife (i.e. shelter, food, clothing, medical, etc..)
- He must reasonably satisfy his wife's sexual needs (some scholars decree whenever she needs to, other scholars decree at least once in a while)
- If he has more than a wife then he has to be just in his living expenses and divide his nights equally among them.
What are the husband rights in Islam?
- To be satisfied sexually by his wife whenever he needs to unless she can't because of reasonable excuses
- To be the household leader (not dictator)
- To have the privilege to end the relationship
What are the responsibilities of the wife towards the husband in Islam?
- She is obligated to satisfy her husband's sexual needs whenever he needs to and must not reject him unless there's a justifiable reason like being ill or having the period, etc..
- She is not allowed to leave home without his permission (some scholars decree that the wife can leave home without his permission if that won't prevent her husband from being satisfied sexually when he needs to)
What are the wife rights in Islam?
- To be reasonably satisfied sexually by her husband
- To have her basic living expenses covered by her husband
- To be treated fairly (in basic living expenses & nights) as her counterpart(s) if her husband has multiple wives
- To end the relationship through an Islamic judge if the husband is not fulfilling his responsibilities towards her or causing some harm to her (the judge has to determine whether the reasons are reasonable or not)
How about love and respect?
Love is not a responsibility neither a right, it's something should be worked out and built by both of them. However, there are several
Quranic verses and
Hadiths encourage the couples to treat each other with respect and show affection towards each other, in other words people can't be instructed to love or not! Thus Allah didn't ask the couples to love each other, it's uncontrollable feelings it can't become a right or a responsibility but He encourage us as people in general and as couples in particular to treat each other with mercy and respect.
How about the houseworks?In Islam the wife doesn't have to do the houseworks it's recommended/Mustahab for her to do so, in other words the husband can't force her to do the houseworks.
How about obeying the husband?
Principally from Islamic perspective, a person doesn't have to obey anyone, if that person chose to become a Muslim then s/he voluntarily accepted to obey the Messenger and follow the Message of Islam, it shouldn't be imposed on him/her. Obeying the parents is not Wajib/compulsory in Islam, however treating them nicely is and obeying them is recommended/Mustahab. In regard to obeying the husband, from Islamic legal perspective the wife doesn't have to obey the husband but since Islam put the husband as a family leader she probably needs to obey him in matters where it's related to the family directly as long as that won't lead her to commit something Haram/forbidden or leave something Wajib/compulsory. Neverthless, Islam encourages the husband to consult the wife and work things out with her mutually.
What most Muslims especially women don't know about marriage in Islam?Most Muslims especially women don't know that marriage is basically a mutual agreement like any other agreement it has terms and conditions. The aforementioned responsibilities and rights for husband and wife are the default terms and conditions for the marriage agreement that sat by Islam but they only become effective and compulsory if the two parties (bridegroom & bride) don't oppose them explicitly! Moreover, most (if not all) of those terms and conditions are Islamically (according to Islamic legal system - Shariah) alterable completely or to some extent! For instance, the bride can accept on condition that she will be able to leave home without the husband permission, etc ..
Are there any limits on the conditions the bride & bridegroom can set on their marriage agreement?No reasonable limits as long as the conditions don't causes either party to commit something
Haram/Forbidden (e.g. drinking alcohol) nor to abandon something
Wajib/compulsory (e.g. prayer). However, some sects decree that the bride can't ask the bridegroom to give up his right of marrying another woman while in other sects it's a valid condition.
So marriage in Islam is merely a mutual agreement between an eligible Muslim man with an eligible Muslim/Christian/Jewish woman?
From Islamic legal (Shariah) perspective yes, it's only a mutual agreement between an eligible Muslim man with an eligible Muslim or Christian or Jewish woman. However, from Islamic spiritual perspective it's much beyond that.
What makes marriage different from other agreements?
One word "Sex". In Islam sexual intercourse and erotic interactions are natural rights for males and females that can only be practiced through marriage. In other words, if an agreement between a Muslim man with a Muslim or Christian or Jewish woman has no implicit or explicit mention of performing sexual intercourse or erotic interactions then it can't be called a marriage but it becomes a normal agreement like any other agreement (e.g. trade agreement) that the two parties have to fulfill its conditions as they consented. Hence,
Quraan calls marriage "
Nikah/نكاح" which is an Arabic word that means "sexual intercourse"
Why does Quraan call marriage "Nikah/sexual intercourse"?Apparently that's an objective/scientific naming as "sexual intercourse" is the unique attribute of this personal relationship compared to the other personal relationships. Love, respect, support, care, etc.. all may exist in other personal relationships like father-ship, mother-ship, brother-ship, sister-ship, friendship, etc..
Is "sexual intercourse" the only unique attribute of marriage compared to other personal relationships?Yes. However, it has other unique features but they are the result of the sexual intercourse, like procreation then sub-consequently the
parentship and
childship, etc..
Sexual intercourse (marriage = husband-ship + wife-ship) --> procreation (parent-ship + child-ship + sibling-ship) -->
subprocreation (grandparent-ship + grandchild-ship + uncle-ship + aunt-ship + cousin-ship)
Is marriage compulsory/Wajib in Islam?No, all sects in Islam agree that marriage is not compulsory but rather recommended/
Mustahab/
Sunnah or permissible/
Mubah, it becomes compulsory/
Wajib if the person might commit adultery if remains single.
Is marriage really half the religion/Deen?If marriage is not compulsory in Islam how can it be half of Islam/
Deen/religion?! Certainly that can't be true. Yes, there are some
Hadiths for the Prophet regarding that like he said
” Any man whom Allah provides with a virtuous wife has been helped to half his Deen, so he should fear Allah regarding the other half.”عن أنس رضي الله عنه أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه و آله وسلم قال: من رزقه الله امرأة صالحة فقد أعانه على شطر دينه فليتق الله في الشطر الباقي. رواه الطبراني في الأوسط والحاكم ومن طريقه للبيهقي وقال الحاكم صحيح الإسناد، وفي رواية البيهقي قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وآله و سلم: إذا تزوج العبد فقد استكمل نصف الدين فليتق الله في النصف الباقي. حسنه الألباني في صحيح الترغيب والترهيب.
If those
Hadiths are true, then they don't mean it's literally half the religion/
Deen. The Arabic meaning for the word
Deen "دين" is "a lifestyle", however nowadays it usually refer to "religious lifestyle", also according to Islam this life is a test which is to live it according to religion (The Message of Islam). Thus, the
Hadith may was referring to the marriage as half of person's life as the person will spend most of his life with his wife, so if that time will be spent wisely (hence "virtuous wife" not "any wife") according to the religion then he basically fulfilled half of his religion. I think the
Hadith can be applied to both man and woman like in many
Quranic verses even though it was talking about the husband.
And the definition is?I leave this for you to form! :^)